i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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