I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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