she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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