He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
