What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
