Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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