I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
