is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
