I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
