It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you will always have a special place in my vag
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
