we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
