Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
