The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
