I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
