every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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