We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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