Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
