You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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