hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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