I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Four minutes until I can fart!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
