I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
