I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
