Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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