I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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