We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
