If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
