i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
