4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
