So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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