sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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