Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
