Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
