She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my poor anus
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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