I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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