I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
