so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?