i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
