Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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