oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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