I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
