I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
