Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
