I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
