after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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