I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
