The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
