I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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