I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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