I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
