I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
