before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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