You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
