remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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