I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
