I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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